It has been over three months since I came back from Uganda.
I thought I had made it.
I thought I gotten through the re-entry phase, and passed with flying colors.
Boy was I wrong. I must have just been in this denial, in this fog of everything but real life. All that I thought I skipped past, all the raw emotions, all the confusion all the discontentment, I am feeling that now.
I keep finding myself with this burning and uncomfortable feeling in my chest. All I want to do is cry it out, or yell it out, or doing anything to get it out. But nothing. It is just there, constantly reminding me of its presence and the fact that I have no idea what it means.
I guess when I said I had grown up a lot since I left for Uganda, that was an understatement. I feel like these past three months have been months of refinement, of growth and serious change. I look at who I am now compared to who I was three months ago and I don't even recognize myself. Who is this girl that is constantly overwhelmed by emotions? who is communicating how she is feeling and what she is going through? who is letting people into her life and into her heart? If it isn't obvious, I have been walking through quite a bit of unfamiliar territory. To be 100% honest I have no idea how to handle it all. I feel like a crazy person.
I cry.
Me..
Like, all. the.time.
I feel like all the feelings and emotions I have suppressed are coming to the surface and completely tearing down the walls I enjoyed blocking them with. God is ruing me with his Love, and the lessons I am learning don't even begin to scratch the surface of what He has planned for me.
Here I am. Here...a place I don't think I want to be in. But my here is where I am and I need to learn to find joy in it. I try to pretend I have a good attitude about everything but deep down nothing has changed. I still don't want to be in school, I still feel overwhelmed and I still don't understand. I was told that I am allowed to feel these things, that it is okay, and it is better to express them to pretend they are not there.
I am finding myself paralyzed by these feelings. I am so overwhelmed I end up just not doing anything or avoiding everything until the very last minuet. I look at everything like a waste of time. School is a waste of time because I am simply just passing classes and not learning anything. I feel like work is a waste of time because I am just working for money. Both of these things are a waste of time because they keep me from doing what I want to do, working for what I want to be working for. I feel tired, all the time. Tired of trying to make all of this work, tired of trying to be positive and just simply, physically tired. I go to school all day then come home and do school work, or I do the work I love and neglect school work. There is no light at the end of the tunnel close enough to being me a sense of relief.
I sound horrible, and I know it. But this is me being honest, this is me being raw. I am discontent in my here and now and that needs to change. As much as I think I can change it I know I can't do anything, that God is the one that will bring me out of this. Lord, I need you, I need you to get me out of this funk, I need to see your purpose in my here and now, I need to find joy in where you have placed me, I need to trust that your plan is greater.
So this is re-entry...
This.
Sucks.
I know that this is a season, a really dry season, and I know that like all seasons, they change, and a new one will come.
I thought I had passed through this, little did I know it was all just about to start.
- MJS
I thought I had made it.
I thought I gotten through the re-entry phase, and passed with flying colors.
Boy was I wrong. I must have just been in this denial, in this fog of everything but real life. All that I thought I skipped past, all the raw emotions, all the confusion all the discontentment, I am feeling that now.
I keep finding myself with this burning and uncomfortable feeling in my chest. All I want to do is cry it out, or yell it out, or doing anything to get it out. But nothing. It is just there, constantly reminding me of its presence and the fact that I have no idea what it means.
I guess when I said I had grown up a lot since I left for Uganda, that was an understatement. I feel like these past three months have been months of refinement, of growth and serious change. I look at who I am now compared to who I was three months ago and I don't even recognize myself. Who is this girl that is constantly overwhelmed by emotions? who is communicating how she is feeling and what she is going through? who is letting people into her life and into her heart? If it isn't obvious, I have been walking through quite a bit of unfamiliar territory. To be 100% honest I have no idea how to handle it all. I feel like a crazy person.
I cry.
Me..
Like, all. the.time.
I feel like all the feelings and emotions I have suppressed are coming to the surface and completely tearing down the walls I enjoyed blocking them with. God is ruing me with his Love, and the lessons I am learning don't even begin to scratch the surface of what He has planned for me.
Here I am. Here...a place I don't think I want to be in. But my here is where I am and I need to learn to find joy in it. I try to pretend I have a good attitude about everything but deep down nothing has changed. I still don't want to be in school, I still feel overwhelmed and I still don't understand. I was told that I am allowed to feel these things, that it is okay, and it is better to express them to pretend they are not there.
I am finding myself paralyzed by these feelings. I am so overwhelmed I end up just not doing anything or avoiding everything until the very last minuet. I look at everything like a waste of time. School is a waste of time because I am simply just passing classes and not learning anything. I feel like work is a waste of time because I am just working for money. Both of these things are a waste of time because they keep me from doing what I want to do, working for what I want to be working for. I feel tired, all the time. Tired of trying to make all of this work, tired of trying to be positive and just simply, physically tired. I go to school all day then come home and do school work, or I do the work I love and neglect school work. There is no light at the end of the tunnel close enough to being me a sense of relief.
I sound horrible, and I know it. But this is me being honest, this is me being raw. I am discontent in my here and now and that needs to change. As much as I think I can change it I know I can't do anything, that God is the one that will bring me out of this. Lord, I need you, I need you to get me out of this funk, I need to see your purpose in my here and now, I need to find joy in where you have placed me, I need to trust that your plan is greater.
So this is re-entry...
This.
Sucks.
I know that this is a season, a really dry season, and I know that like all seasons, they change, and a new one will come.
I thought I had passed through this, little did I know it was all just about to start.
- MJS
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