Scar Tissue

It started as something small. Nothing I haven't seen before. It started to grow and soon it was bigger than I imagined it could be. There was pressure, there was discomfort, my vision began to be affected. I had to go through several steps before I began the healing process, and now all that remains 

is a scar and scar tissue.

Regardless of my last name, I am a very healthy person. I can count on one hand every time I have had to see a doctor in all of my 22 years. I never have to miss school because I am sick and I recently spent 6 months in Africa escaping sickness. You can say I am a little proud, but health is important, and God gave me this body to take care of ( although sometimes I feel like I am failing it).

A few weeks ago I got a pimple near my eyebrow, a harmless pimple that I of course messed with. It became infected and my eye began to swell. Long story short, I ended up in the ER getting a CT scan, and finally feeling the release through drainage. My eye went through a series of changes until finally, my eyes were the same size again.

Bottom right - top left. Wed- Sat Progression.  Sat still not 100% healed.

All that remains from that whole ordeal is a crazy experience, a lesson, and some scar tissue. My eyebrow line is not back to normal. It is now graced with the presence of scar tissue,  It will become a daily reminder of something small becoming something so much bigger.

I learned a lot through this process but the moral of the story is more than just "don't pick anything....EVER". I think a lot of things in life start small, we either mess with them, try to control them, or lets things get out of hand and they become larger than life, and affect more that just where it started. In Proverbs 4 we are told, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This verse is a lot more powerful now, how a tiny sin, a small opening of your heart to something dangerous, could take over your life. This may sound a little dramatic, but I have the scar tissue to prove it. We need to protect our hearts, we need to protect ourselves and we need to understand that the "little" things, never stay little.

I think we all have scars on our hearts. We have given our hearts to someone who didn't care for it, to something that doesn't produce fruit, or maybe love has been lost, or trust has been broken. Whatever the origin of the scar, we are left broken, with broken hearts, with unmet expectations, with feelings of failure. All that remains is a reminder of what we went through, how we healed, and where we may or may not have come from. We are left with scars, scar tissue...forever leaving a mark.

I am thankful that my life has been pretty good. I was raised by two amazing parents, who although divorced, were always supportive...together, not separate. I haven't gone through anything really traumatic or had to do deal with depression or anxiety. I have had my heart breaks though. I have allowed people into my heart who made their home there and then thrashed it, who opened up every window and every door and then left, leaving me open for all to see. I have struggled, and continue to struggle with things that are a day to day battle, constantly allowing my heart to be graffitied with lies. I have my scars and as a result I have built walls, tried to cover them up, and avoid anyone from seeing them, or even knowing they are there.

I am lucky though. I have a God who now lives in my heart and who takes very good care of it, even when I try to rent it out to other people/things. He loves me, he loves my scars, my brokenness, he loves my heart. Along with the universe, he created my heart, and is constantly filling it with His love, His desires, and His passions. His heart breaks when mine does, when an intruder comes in and hurts me. His heart breaks when I fill my own heart with things, thoughts and ideas that are not good for me. His heart breaks when I ignore His presence, and act like He is not there. Oh how He loves me, how He loves us. Like a parent or a doctor, He shakes his head at us when we come to him, broken hearts, open wounds, saying " I told you so, but I still love you, come to me and find rest, walk with me and I will heal you". He knows what is best for us but often we are too busy to hear Him warning us, trying to keep us from what is going to hurt us.

There is so much freedom when we allow God to fully occupy our hearts, but it takes a letting go. Letting go of the lies, letting go of control, letting go of ownership. I have my scars, my scar tissue, but they weren't for nothing. God wastes nothing, He will use anything an everything for His glory. I have this wound on my heart that is continually reopened, and although my human flesh just keeps putting a band aid over it, God is preparing to close it up once and for all. I just need to make the move, seek and give forgiveness, and then my heart will be ready to be healed. I will be left with a scar, but the scar will always remind me of how through the Lord I can be fully, holistically, 100% healed.

Hearts break. Scars exist. God heals. This may have seemed like a really intense post to have come from an incident that started with a small pimple. The thing is though, everything in life should point back to God and as I stated before God wastes nothing. This whole ordeal made me think about and view beauty differently, made me understand healing and scaring better and made me understand how big "small" things can get. Above all, I was able to think about it in a way that taught and confirmed who God is and what he wants for us.

Challenge: Don't be afraid to bare your scars, or to let go to allow God to heal you. Use every part of your story to glorify God, even if you think it is small.


- Mary Joy 

The end has finally come...

I think I am going to nickname this semester, the bad attitude semester. I recently read my last two posts and I was left feeling convicted and frustrated. To this day, not much has changed. A few weeks ago my International Development professor asked if I liked his class. He was just asking generally but I took it as, "do you even like my class, becuase you sure don't act like it." The guilt that formed in the pit of my stomach led me to explaining the struggle I was having with being back from Uganda. My professor really just wanted me to speak up more, said that with my experience from Uganda I would have more to say. This is probably the class I care most about, but up until that point I just sat there, fighting to not fall asleep, and desperately trying to make connections.

That conversation changed my perspective...slightly. I began speaking up, and in return I felt passion, something that was so lacking from my time at school. That one conversation made me feel guilty for every class, for every professor I may be taking for granted. I began doing assignments on things I was passionate about, and it turns out I really started to enjoy school. I continued to get good grades and felt like I was contributing to my classes, but I cannot deny that the bad attitude was still there. 

I have been back for so long now, can I really still be using that as an excuse? These bad attitudes have really just become bad habits, but I cannot deny all that I have been going through: transitions, life changes, realizations and what ever else this little heart of mine has been dealing with. 

I have tons of excuses, but all I really want is to feel like myself again. I am always tired, and hardly sleep becuase everything takes me 10 times longer. I don't workout regularly, (besides my 3+ miles walking around campus) and really just don't have the motivation to push myself. I haven't enjoyed this Mary and I have kept her locked up most nights to not infect anyone. I have tried to hide, so I can sulk, and simply just avoid talking about anything (mainly becuase I would stress out if it took too long). So many things have gotten pushed to the back burner and I am sick of it. I can't wait to feel like me again and to figure out how to make everything work, how to manage my time again, and how to really prioritize. 

 My problem is me. I can't make it work, I can't solve my problems, but here I am...again...trying to be the god of my life. I am frustrated with myself becuase I am back in this place, a place I finally thought I was out of. I am back to carrying this heavy load, not bringing it to God and not bringing it to my community. Another thing...at the begining of the semester I was so excited to meet so many people, and be more involved on campus. That excitement died quick when my friendliness was not being recripricated. I began just coming to class and not bothering to talk to anyone, becuase I knew that they wouldn't care. Of course school was worse becuase I was pretty much just going, hiding out in the library, and then leaving. I began to feel convicted. How was I loving people to Jesus if I wasn't even talking to them? It is hard though, at this point in the semester, to try to make up for lost time and suddenly want to invest. 

I have done the best that I can and I cant be too hard on myself. This semester was hard and exhausting, but I have learned alot, and have turned some things around... 

I wrote that last section a week before school ended. Here I am a few days out, and I feel completely different. I feel like me again, I feel light and I feel like I can finally do what my heart has been desiring to do. I realized that, that was the hardest part. My heart was always in the right place, I was just too weak to ignore the nagging of the stress. I allowed myself to be lost and my heart to be failed. This was a horrible semester, but regardless, I pulled through I persevered and I finished strong. I wish the story had a different ending, or maybe a different beginning or maybe I just wish I had a whole new story, but I can't change how this semester went, I can only grow from it. Yes I pulled through, yes I persevered but did I do it in a way that glorified God? No, I don't think so. I relied to much on myself, I allowed myself to sit on the throne where God rightfully belongs. If I had let God take control, if I had let God relieve my burden, if I had let God stay the king of my life, there is no doubt about it my semester would have been different. I learned a valuable lesson this semester, and I learned it the hard way.

It is so easy, so easy, to want to have control, to think that you are alone in this, that you have to take on everything or you are a failure. But these are all lies, all things that want to take me away from my proper place, in the warmth of Gods arms. I never want to lose myself again, I never want to be that drowned in my "stuff," in my stress and in my worldly agenda. I want to risk. I want to live a life that demands explanation and not adhere to the expectations of this world. That last part is easier said than done. I have been doing it all my life, and I do it often.

 It is not just adhering but it is justifying the part that doesn't meet expectations.  I get questions like "what year are you in school?" "when are you graduating?" and instead of giving a straight answer it is always followed with "well I took a semester off and live in Africa," "I took off a semester to do an internship," "I took a semester at Chapman," "I have a minor," "I am taking a language," blah blah blah. I feel like I have to make excuses for my life not being on track. So what if I was supposed to graduate in 2012? So what if I have a year and a half left? I am sick of having to justify myself, when I know that I have followed Gods calling. This ones good too "where are you living?" and instead of just a straight answer it is always followed with, "well I just worked for free in Africa," "my parents don't live here," and "I have lived on my own since I was 17"...blah blah blah. The blessing that I have by living where I am needs no justification. God loves me so he has blessed me with not only a second family who loves me and teaches me about Christ't love day in and day out, but he has blessed me with an opportunity to be free from the burden of finances.

If you know me at all you know how I am with my money, I won't buy anything new (unless it helps someone else) even if every single article of clothing I own has holes in it. I hardly go out to eat and I just hardly spend money. I don't have a huge bank account to show for my stinginess, I just don't like to spend money (there are many reasons for this but that is a whole other post in itself). This blessing, of where I am living, has kept me from being controlled by my finances, from being consumed by numbers in a bank account meeting up with numbers on a budget. These things that don't match up to some worldly standards shouldn't need justification, but all too often I find myself justifying.

These posts so far are not super encouraging and are not super pretty. Surprise, I am human, and I make mistakes...a lot of them, and I don't have it together, and I struggle with a lot of things. But hey, I have come a long way, this blog alone shows that. I am being open, I am putting myself out there, I am talking about my emotions and hurdles. Not all days are skipping and bubbles (even though that sounds awesome), many days are opposite of that, but regardless of what my day looks like I have confidence, faith and hope in a God that knows what every second of every single person's life looks like. I really have nothing to worry about, but I do, and I am sorry. Every day I have to re sacrifice myself, re empty myself so there can be more of Him and less of me, and every day I have to fight against all the lies and all the expectations the world throws at me. This life wasn't made to be easy, but I will have a joy in me in any and all situations. I shouldn't be living this life for me, so what is the risk? what do I have to lose?

Challenge: Risk daily. Love intentionally. Surrender purposely.


- Bear