It started as something small. Nothing I haven't seen before. It started to grow and soon it was bigger than I imagined it could be. There was pressure, there was discomfort, my vision began to be affected. I had to go through several steps before I began the healing process, and now all that remains
is a scar and scar tissue.
Regardless of my last name, I am a very healthy person. I can count on one hand every time I have had to see a doctor in all of my 22 years. I never have to miss school because I am sick and I recently spent 6 months in Africa escaping sickness. You can say I am a little proud, but health is important, and God gave me this body to take care of ( although sometimes I feel like I am failing it).
A few weeks ago I got a pimple near my eyebrow, a harmless pimple that I of course messed with. It became infected and my eye began to swell. Long story short, I ended up in the ER getting a CT scan, and finally feeling the release through drainage. My eye went through a series of changes until finally, my eyes were the same size again.
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| Bottom right - top left. Wed- Sat Progression. Sat still not 100% healed. |
All that remains from that whole ordeal is a crazy experience, a lesson, and some scar tissue. My eyebrow line is not back to normal. It is now graced with the presence of scar tissue, It will become a daily reminder of something small becoming something so much bigger.
I learned a lot through this process but the moral of the story is more than just "don't pick anything....EVER". I think a lot of things in life start small, we either mess with them, try to control them, or lets things get out of hand and they become larger than life, and affect more that just where it started. In Proverbs 4 we are told, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This verse is a lot more powerful now, how a tiny sin, a small opening of your heart to something dangerous, could take over your life. This may sound a little dramatic, but I have the scar tissue to prove it. We need to protect our hearts, we need to protect ourselves and we need to understand that the "little" things, never stay little.
I think we all have scars on our hearts. We have given our hearts to someone who didn't care for it, to something that doesn't produce fruit, or maybe love has been lost, or trust has been broken. Whatever the origin of the scar, we are left broken, with broken hearts, with unmet expectations, with feelings of failure. All that remains is a reminder of what we went through, how we healed, and where we may or may not have come from. We are left with scars, scar tissue...forever leaving a mark.
I am thankful that my life has been pretty good. I was raised by two amazing parents, who although divorced, were always supportive...together, not separate. I haven't gone through anything really traumatic or had to do deal with depression or anxiety. I have had my heart breaks though. I have allowed people into my heart who made their home there and then thrashed it, who opened up every window and every door and then left, leaving me open for all to see. I have struggled, and continue to struggle with things that are a day to day battle, constantly allowing my heart to be graffitied with lies. I have my scars and as a result I have built walls, tried to cover them up, and avoid anyone from seeing them, or even knowing they are there.
I am lucky though. I have a God who now lives in my heart and who takes very good care of it, even when I try to rent it out to other people/things. He loves me, he loves my scars, my brokenness, he loves my heart. Along with the universe, he created my heart, and is constantly filling it with His love, His desires, and His passions. His heart breaks when mine does, when an intruder comes in and hurts me. His heart breaks when I fill my own heart with things, thoughts and ideas that are not good for me. His heart breaks when I ignore His presence, and act like He is not there. Oh how He loves me, how He loves us. Like a parent or a doctor, He shakes his head at us when we come to him, broken hearts, open wounds, saying " I told you so, but I still love you, come to me and find rest, walk with me and I will heal you". He knows what is best for us but often we are too busy to hear Him warning us, trying to keep us from what is going to hurt us.
There is so much freedom when we allow God to fully occupy our hearts, but it takes a letting go. Letting go of the lies, letting go of control, letting go of ownership. I have my scars, my scar tissue, but they weren't for nothing. God wastes nothing, He will use anything an everything for His glory. I have this wound on my heart that is continually reopened, and although my human flesh just keeps putting a band aid over it, God is preparing to close it up once and for all. I just need to make the move, seek and give forgiveness, and then my heart will be ready to be healed. I will be left with a scar, but the scar will always remind me of how through the Lord I can be fully, holistically, 100% healed.
Hearts break. Scars exist. God heals. This may have seemed like a really intense post to have come from an incident that started with a small pimple. The thing is though, everything in life should point back to God and as I stated before God wastes nothing. This whole ordeal made me think about and view beauty differently, made me understand healing and scaring better and made me understand how big "small" things can get. Above all, I was able to think about it in a way that taught and confirmed who God is and what he wants for us.
Challenge: Don't be afraid to bare your scars, or to let go to allow God to heal you. Use every part of your story to glorify God, even if you think it is small.
- Mary Joy
