I think I am going to nickname this semester, the bad attitude semester. I recently read my last two posts and I was left feeling convicted and frustrated. To this day, not much has changed. A few weeks ago my International Development professor asked if I liked his class. He was just asking generally but I took it as, "do you even like my class, becuase you sure don't act like it." The guilt that formed in the pit of my stomach led me to explaining the struggle I was having with being back from Uganda. My professor really just wanted me to speak up more, said that with my experience from Uganda I would have more to say. This is probably the class I care most about, but up until that point I just sat there, fighting to not fall asleep, and desperately trying to make connections.
That conversation changed my perspective...slightly. I began speaking up, and in return I felt passion, something that was so lacking from my time at school. That one conversation made me feel guilty for every class, for every professor I may be taking for granted. I began doing assignments on things I was passionate about, and it turns out I really started to enjoy school. I continued to get good grades and felt like I was contributing to my classes, but I cannot deny that the bad attitude was still there.
I have been back for so long now, can I really still be using that as an excuse? These bad attitudes have really just become bad habits, but I cannot deny all that I have been going through: transitions, life changes, realizations and what ever else this little heart of mine has been dealing with.
I have tons of excuses, but all I really want is to feel like myself again. I am always tired, and hardly sleep becuase everything takes me 10 times longer. I don't workout regularly, (besides my 3+ miles walking around campus) and really just don't have the motivation to push myself. I haven't enjoyed this Mary and I have kept her locked up most nights to not infect anyone. I have tried to hide, so I can sulk, and simply just avoid talking about anything (mainly becuase I would stress out if it took too long). So many things have gotten pushed to the back burner and I am sick of it. I can't wait to feel like me again and to figure out how to make everything work, how to manage my time again, and how to really prioritize.
My problem is me. I can't make it work, I can't solve my problems, but here I am...again...trying to be the god of my life. I am frustrated with myself becuase I am back in this place, a place I finally thought I was out of. I am back to carrying this heavy load, not bringing it to God and not bringing it to my community. Another thing...at the begining of the semester I was so excited to meet so many people, and be more involved on campus. That excitement died quick when my friendliness was not being recripricated. I began just coming to class and not bothering to talk to anyone, becuase I knew that they wouldn't care. Of course school was worse becuase I was pretty much just going, hiding out in the library, and then leaving. I began to feel convicted. How was I loving people to Jesus if I wasn't even talking to them? It is hard though, at this point in the semester, to try to make up for lost time and suddenly want to invest.
I have done the best that I can and I cant be too hard on myself. This semester was hard and exhausting, but I have learned alot, and have turned some things around...
I wrote that last section a week before school ended. Here I am a few days out, and I feel completely different. I feel like me again, I feel light and I feel like I can finally do what my heart has been desiring to do. I realized that, that was the hardest part. My heart was always in the right place, I was just too weak to ignore the nagging of the stress. I allowed myself to be lost and my heart to be failed. This was a horrible semester, but regardless, I pulled through I persevered and I finished strong. I wish the story had a different ending, or maybe a different beginning or maybe I just wish I had a whole new story, but I can't change how this semester went, I can only grow from it. Yes I pulled through, yes I persevered but did I do it in a way that glorified God? No, I don't think so. I relied to much on myself, I allowed myself to sit on the throne where God rightfully belongs. If I had let God take control, if I had let God relieve my burden, if I had let God stay the king of my life, there is no doubt about it my semester would have been different. I learned a valuable lesson this semester, and I learned it the hard way.
It is so easy, so easy, to want to have control, to think that you are alone in this, that you have to take on everything or you are a failure. But these are all lies, all things that want to take me away from my proper place, in the warmth of Gods arms. I never want to lose myself again, I never want to be that drowned in my "stuff," in my stress and in my worldly agenda. I want to risk. I want to live a life that demands explanation and not adhere to the expectations of this world. That last part is easier said than done. I have been doing it all my life, and I do it often.
It is not just adhering but it is justifying the part that doesn't meet expectations. I get questions like "what year are you in school?" "when are you graduating?" and instead of giving a straight answer it is always followed with "well I took a semester off and live in Africa," "I took off a semester to do an internship," "I took a semester at Chapman," "I have a minor," "I am taking a language," blah blah blah. I feel like I have to make excuses for my life not being on track. So what if I was supposed to graduate in 2012? So what if I have a year and a half left? I am sick of having to justify myself, when I know that I have followed Gods calling. This ones good too "where are you living?" and instead of just a straight answer it is always followed with, "well I just worked for free in Africa," "my parents don't live here," and "I have lived on my own since I was 17"...blah blah blah. The blessing that I have by living where I am needs no justification. God loves me so he has blessed me with not only a second family who loves me and teaches me about Christ't love day in and day out, but he has blessed me with an opportunity to be free from the burden of finances.
If you know me at all you know how I am with my money, I won't buy anything new (unless it helps someone else) even if every single article of clothing I own has holes in it. I hardly go out to eat and I just hardly spend money. I don't have a huge bank account to show for my stinginess, I just don't like to spend money (there are many reasons for this but that is a whole other post in itself). This blessing, of where I am living, has kept me from being controlled by my finances, from being consumed by numbers in a bank account meeting up with numbers on a budget. These things that don't match up to some worldly standards shouldn't need justification, but all too often I find myself justifying.
These posts so far are not super encouraging and are not super pretty. Surprise, I am human, and I make mistakes...a lot of them, and I don't have it together, and I struggle with a lot of things. But hey, I have come a long way, this blog alone shows that. I am being open, I am putting myself out there, I am talking about my emotions and hurdles. Not all days are skipping and bubbles (even though that sounds awesome), many days are opposite of that, but regardless of what my day looks like I have confidence, faith and hope in a God that knows what every second of every single person's life looks like. I really have nothing to worry about, but I do, and I am sorry. Every day I have to re sacrifice myself, re empty myself so there can be more of Him and less of me, and every day I have to fight against all the lies and all the expectations the world throws at me. This life wasn't made to be easy, but I will have a joy in me in any and all situations. I shouldn't be living this life for me, so what is the risk? what do I have to lose?
Challenge: Risk daily. Love intentionally. Surrender purposely.
- Bear
That conversation changed my perspective...slightly. I began speaking up, and in return I felt passion, something that was so lacking from my time at school. That one conversation made me feel guilty for every class, for every professor I may be taking for granted. I began doing assignments on things I was passionate about, and it turns out I really started to enjoy school. I continued to get good grades and felt like I was contributing to my classes, but I cannot deny that the bad attitude was still there.
I have been back for so long now, can I really still be using that as an excuse? These bad attitudes have really just become bad habits, but I cannot deny all that I have been going through: transitions, life changes, realizations and what ever else this little heart of mine has been dealing with.
I have tons of excuses, but all I really want is to feel like myself again. I am always tired, and hardly sleep becuase everything takes me 10 times longer. I don't workout regularly, (besides my 3+ miles walking around campus) and really just don't have the motivation to push myself. I haven't enjoyed this Mary and I have kept her locked up most nights to not infect anyone. I have tried to hide, so I can sulk, and simply just avoid talking about anything (mainly becuase I would stress out if it took too long). So many things have gotten pushed to the back burner and I am sick of it. I can't wait to feel like me again and to figure out how to make everything work, how to manage my time again, and how to really prioritize.
My problem is me. I can't make it work, I can't solve my problems, but here I am...again...trying to be the god of my life. I am frustrated with myself becuase I am back in this place, a place I finally thought I was out of. I am back to carrying this heavy load, not bringing it to God and not bringing it to my community. Another thing...at the begining of the semester I was so excited to meet so many people, and be more involved on campus. That excitement died quick when my friendliness was not being recripricated. I began just coming to class and not bothering to talk to anyone, becuase I knew that they wouldn't care. Of course school was worse becuase I was pretty much just going, hiding out in the library, and then leaving. I began to feel convicted. How was I loving people to Jesus if I wasn't even talking to them? It is hard though, at this point in the semester, to try to make up for lost time and suddenly want to invest.
I have done the best that I can and I cant be too hard on myself. This semester was hard and exhausting, but I have learned alot, and have turned some things around...
I wrote that last section a week before school ended. Here I am a few days out, and I feel completely different. I feel like me again, I feel light and I feel like I can finally do what my heart has been desiring to do. I realized that, that was the hardest part. My heart was always in the right place, I was just too weak to ignore the nagging of the stress. I allowed myself to be lost and my heart to be failed. This was a horrible semester, but regardless, I pulled through I persevered and I finished strong. I wish the story had a different ending, or maybe a different beginning or maybe I just wish I had a whole new story, but I can't change how this semester went, I can only grow from it. Yes I pulled through, yes I persevered but did I do it in a way that glorified God? No, I don't think so. I relied to much on myself, I allowed myself to sit on the throne where God rightfully belongs. If I had let God take control, if I had let God relieve my burden, if I had let God stay the king of my life, there is no doubt about it my semester would have been different. I learned a valuable lesson this semester, and I learned it the hard way.
It is so easy, so easy, to want to have control, to think that you are alone in this, that you have to take on everything or you are a failure. But these are all lies, all things that want to take me away from my proper place, in the warmth of Gods arms. I never want to lose myself again, I never want to be that drowned in my "stuff," in my stress and in my worldly agenda. I want to risk. I want to live a life that demands explanation and not adhere to the expectations of this world. That last part is easier said than done. I have been doing it all my life, and I do it often.
It is not just adhering but it is justifying the part that doesn't meet expectations. I get questions like "what year are you in school?" "when are you graduating?" and instead of giving a straight answer it is always followed with "well I took a semester off and live in Africa," "I took off a semester to do an internship," "I took a semester at Chapman," "I have a minor," "I am taking a language," blah blah blah. I feel like I have to make excuses for my life not being on track. So what if I was supposed to graduate in 2012? So what if I have a year and a half left? I am sick of having to justify myself, when I know that I have followed Gods calling. This ones good too "where are you living?" and instead of just a straight answer it is always followed with, "well I just worked for free in Africa," "my parents don't live here," and "I have lived on my own since I was 17"...blah blah blah. The blessing that I have by living where I am needs no justification. God loves me so he has blessed me with not only a second family who loves me and teaches me about Christ't love day in and day out, but he has blessed me with an opportunity to be free from the burden of finances.
If you know me at all you know how I am with my money, I won't buy anything new (unless it helps someone else) even if every single article of clothing I own has holes in it. I hardly go out to eat and I just hardly spend money. I don't have a huge bank account to show for my stinginess, I just don't like to spend money (there are many reasons for this but that is a whole other post in itself). This blessing, of where I am living, has kept me from being controlled by my finances, from being consumed by numbers in a bank account meeting up with numbers on a budget. These things that don't match up to some worldly standards shouldn't need justification, but all too often I find myself justifying.
These posts so far are not super encouraging and are not super pretty. Surprise, I am human, and I make mistakes...a lot of them, and I don't have it together, and I struggle with a lot of things. But hey, I have come a long way, this blog alone shows that. I am being open, I am putting myself out there, I am talking about my emotions and hurdles. Not all days are skipping and bubbles (even though that sounds awesome), many days are opposite of that, but regardless of what my day looks like I have confidence, faith and hope in a God that knows what every second of every single person's life looks like. I really have nothing to worry about, but I do, and I am sorry. Every day I have to re sacrifice myself, re empty myself so there can be more of Him and less of me, and every day I have to fight against all the lies and all the expectations the world throws at me. This life wasn't made to be easy, but I will have a joy in me in any and all situations. I shouldn't be living this life for me, so what is the risk? what do I have to lose?
Challenge: Risk daily. Love intentionally. Surrender purposely.
- Bear
