Uninhibited:
Open. Unrestrained. Free from traditional social or moral constraints.
Someone recently told me they could picture me in Uganda. Surrounded by kids, the people, and all that goes with them. They pictured kids, dirty from their day to day life and lack of proper hygiene, embracing me, and me simply loving them, dirt and all. They said that I loved with out inhibition that it was just like breathing.
When I think of my life in Uganda, although it was uncomfortable at times it was easy, and being there felt right and loving people was uninhibited. When I look at my life here in the US do I still love people with that same kind of love? That is a good question, and I would love to be able to answer that question with a resounding yes but if I did I don’t think I would be being completely honest.
Since I have been back I have been through a lot of different stages. Times where I felt overwhelmed by all the people and all the “stuff”, times where I felt trapped in a place that doesn’t feel right, times where the choices people made, made me upset and frustrated and times where I simply just didn’t know how to feel. I find myself judging people and having love, not be my first reaction to them. I can admit this and admit that I am wrong. I can confidently say with out a doubt that God loves these people just as much as the people in Uganda, that they are his children and that he madly adores them. Of course I am not just walking around pointing my finger at people, that I do have countless days where I look at people and my heart is filled with joy, because I know that God created them, but there are those days where loving people is not easy.
I am absolutely guilty of taking my feelings out on people and I apologize for that. When I am tired I am sometimes controlled by my tiredness, when I am overwhelmed, I am sometimes controlled by things that overwhelm me . It is a constant prayer of mine to not be controlled by my feelings, and to fully put my trust, faith and self into the hands of God. In a world that is constantly telling you that dependence is a weakness I find myself struggling to give it all to God, thinking that I have what it takes to overcome this challenge or struggle on my own. I am completely wrong. I cannot do anything out of my own strength and apart from God, but regardless, I try....and I fail.
The way God loves me is unfathomable. He loves me unconditionally, with out hesitation, with out reservation. He loves. He is love. And he loves you. This is an ugly side of me, but I am not trying to cover it up and pretend I am perfect and have it all together, because I absolutely don’t. But you know what is so refreshing? That God sees all this, every single ugly bone, thought and action yet he still loves me, and looks on my with eyes of a father. I am his and although he wants me to live better, live lighter and live more in love, he doesn’t love me any less.
I constantly am in need of God, I need to depend on him daily. There are times where I feel crazy and overwhelmed, where I just want to push everything aside to tackle my todo list. When I do that God smiles at me adoringly and says “Mary stop. Breath. Come to me and rest. Let me carry your burdens. Let me fill you up with Joy. Let me be your God”. Time with God is the most important time, yet it is so easy to put it aside. I was recently asked what my life would look like if Jesus was walking right beside me. Wow. My life would probably look so different. I would be in constant communication with Him, thanking him for all the way he blesses me daily, I would be more bold to introduce people to him and I would love people without inhibitions.
That is how I want to live. I want to walk around and have people see Jesus, to speak with people and have people hear love and to love people how they are made to be loved. I want to stop walking around and questioning peoples actions, and assuming that they are a certain type of person, but look at them like I should look at myself, a sinner in need of an all powerful, all loving, and truly majestic God. I need to be praying for those people, that God will meet them where they are at, in their brokeness, and that they will receive his love and choose to follow him. I am broken. I am a sinner. I desperately need God. Nothing about my life is perfect, but I know a place that is, and I might as well go through this mess with Joy until I get there.
As I said in my last post, I don’t love my here and now. But I know that God has me here for a reason and I just need to wait to see what that reason is. I have been recently convicted by the way I have been living, in a selfish bubble, not doing my best in my work or dying to myself so God can live. My work is not for man but for God. My life is not for me but for God’s use. How can I grow and be used if I am constantly complaining and wasting time? Even though that this is how I feel I have felt that way long enough. I am not in Uganda. I am not. And although my heart is there and I want to be there, God wants me here, so therefore my heart is here.
Let me love with an uninhibited love. Let the world see God through that love, and let the world be changed. This is my prayer and this is my challenge.
- MJS
