Remember me?

Wow, so that just happened. Almost a year has gone by since my last post. I am sorry to all my nonexistent followers and fan base. I have let you all two of you down (and that is me being hopeful). As I stated in my first blog, I probably wouldn't keep up with this, so I guess I should have expected this to happen. Apologies aside, I am back and ready to share. 

This past year. Wow, so much has happened in a mere 200 something days. Since June, I have worked for Transparent Productions for an amazing month with incredible people, went to a Mumford and Sons show, rejoined my RHHS family as a leader for the high school ministry at my church, joined an amazing life group, turned 23, went to Portland, killed two chickens,  started school, said goodbye to a few friends and celebrated engagements, marriages and pregnancies with a few more. It has been quite the adventure and I wish I could share all the incredible moments, but that is the beauty of life and relationship, you just have to live fully, and fully live with people; and it is those people who share your life with you that get to celebrate the celebrations with you, lament the tragedies with you, and laugh with you during those sweet moments of pure joy. With all those days past have come many lessons, many moments of refinement, and many words of truth spoken over me. Life is different now. I am not who I was a year ago, and I am not who I was yesterday. Daily I am being tested and transformed by the love of my God, sometimes feeling peace, other times feeling like I am stuck in the same struggles. But there are lessons to be learned through all of that.

Over the past year, the Lord has changed what I thought I wanted and continues to put passions in my heart and surprise me with His will. I have loved this journey and cannot wait for more. Currently, I am in my final weeks of my last Spring semester of my undergraduate career. Yup, this is finally happening, the end is near; just one more crazy semester and then thats it. The chapter of being and undergraduate will be over. Crazy. School has been quite the process for me, one of which I constantly felt like I needed to justify. My journey through higher education is my own, it's unique, & it's part of my story. I worked hard my first two years to transfer to a school I thought I deserved. That school just wasn't for me, but going, lead to leaving, which lead to an internship that changed my perspective of the future. From there I started at CSULB to only take a break from, to follow Gods lead, of a life in Uganda. I have been back in school (consistently) for a year & will graduate next Fall. This journey isn't "normal" & it hasn't been easy, but it is all part of His plan for me. It's funny, the closer I get to graduating the farther I am from knowing what I want to do. But you know, thats kind of a beautiful place to be in, I am not tied down to a single idea or stuck in a mold I have made for myself. Who knows what I will be doing this time next year; i'm not worried, God has a plan for me. The world doesn't get that though, and I will have to politely smile every time someone asks me "what do you want to do after graduation?" I don't know what I am going to say, what ever I do say, they might not understand, but I will give them an honest answer whether they like it or not. 

So besides school, my life is, per usual, busy. I have jumped feet first back in to the high school ministry and I couldn't be more blessed. I have LOVED my time in this ministry and I have only dived deeper. I love it. I love seeing God work in my students, hearing them hear God and seeing how He is changing them. I love their questions, their personalities and their desires to know more. I am so blessed to work with an amazing group of people, under the leadership of an amazing Youth pastor (shout out to Jeff Bachman!!), and to get to do life with some amazing students. A year ago, my plan for myself was to get on a plane immediately after I walked across the stage to receive my diploma. I wanted to work abroad and the thought of staying here was not even in my mind. Now, I feel called to stay. Who knows for how long, or for what. But for the first time in a while, I want to be planted within my community, I want to get to know every part of my city and make this place my home.  God has blessed me with so many opportunities within this city and I am looking forward to whats next. Thoughts of working in youth ministry has definitely crossed my mind; but whether it is my job or not, I really feel called to the high school group and have even been given the privilege to serve within the student leadership program and step into a role of local missions. I am excited to say the least, but I have to be careful with my grip on it, knowing that God could completely change my life in an instant, and I have to be okay with that. 

I have said a lot of goodbyes to good friends within the past couple of months. I have said goodbye to my best friend Bammer, who now lives and works in New York city. I have said goodbye to one of the most genuine and joyful people I have ever met, allowing London and the London School Of Economics to be blessed by my sweet friend Katrina, and most recently said my last "this is not goodbye but see ya later"'s to a friend that has truly helped shape who I am today. Seattle has no idea the force, that is Cindy Chon, that will dance her way into their hearts. The funny, and sad part about these goodbyes is that these three people have been my people, they have covered me with love and have opened their ears and their hearts for all that I have had to say. They have spoken truth to me, have encouraged me, and have blessed me with their words of wisdom and love. With all theses goodbyes, I have thrown myself a pity party, "woe is me," "all my friends are leaving me," and "I am left here alone again." But each and every one of these people have been called to these places, and who am I to keep them from that? I have learned that, this is life. God brings people into our lives for a reason, and theses people are ones that will be a part of my life for the rest of my life, and I couldn't be more grateful for that. Through this, God has shown me how much he wants me fully. To turn to him and to be fully dependent on him. He brought these friends into my life to teach me certain things, and to challenge me, and most importantly to show me His love and what He wants from me. Selfishly I wish they were here, snuggling in my bed, going on foodie trips and dancing everywhere, but the truth is, their purpose is much bigger then just being my friend. There is a whole world out there who needs to be loved by theses three incredible women. World, I would like to introduce you to the people that will change you, you are most welcome. 

When I arrived in the states from Uganda, over a year ago I was very bitter and angry about a lot of things. WhatI realize now is that I was bitter and angry about things that I wanted and didn't have. A lot of it had to do with community and what I wanted it to look like and how I wanted it to happen. I wanted it to be easy, but all good things take work and I think I had a lot to learn and my heart had to be soften to be open to what was in store for me. I now laugh at how silly I was and how much I don't believe in the thoughts that I once had, it is so easy to be mad about what you don't have yet not put the work in to getting what you want. I am now able to see why God has me where he has me and I have a whole new outlook on Church and community. I am part of an incredible church that I have called my home for the past 5 years and now a group of women who inspire, challenge and encourage me. Life group has been something that I have always loved and was or wanted to be apart of. One year I was apart of two life groups, yes, you could call me a life group hoe, but I was new to the city and I wanted community.Any way, I digress, I am now part of a life group of all females, it is such a great environment and I love how God uses us and our group to expand the kingdom. A year ago, I was still quite bitter, testing the waters, feeling if it was safe, if I was ready to break out of my transition bubble and fully put myself out there into community. I was hesitant because my heart was in Uganda, and I didn't want to get so firmly planted that I would never want to leave or forget. Now I am so blessed to be apart of this group of women who walks with me, prays with me and loves me. 


So you are pretty much caught up on my life, well…not completely but this journey is busy and I don't have time to catch you up on everything, I need to be our there living it. I hope my next post happens before another year passes, but I can't make any promises!


Always with love,
Mary Joy

Scar Tissue

It started as something small. Nothing I haven't seen before. It started to grow and soon it was bigger than I imagined it could be. There was pressure, there was discomfort, my vision began to be affected. I had to go through several steps before I began the healing process, and now all that remains 

is a scar and scar tissue.

Regardless of my last name, I am a very healthy person. I can count on one hand every time I have had to see a doctor in all of my 22 years. I never have to miss school because I am sick and I recently spent 6 months in Africa escaping sickness. You can say I am a little proud, but health is important, and God gave me this body to take care of ( although sometimes I feel like I am failing it).

A few weeks ago I got a pimple near my eyebrow, a harmless pimple that I of course messed with. It became infected and my eye began to swell. Long story short, I ended up in the ER getting a CT scan, and finally feeling the release through drainage. My eye went through a series of changes until finally, my eyes were the same size again.

Bottom right - top left. Wed- Sat Progression.  Sat still not 100% healed.

All that remains from that whole ordeal is a crazy experience, a lesson, and some scar tissue. My eyebrow line is not back to normal. It is now graced with the presence of scar tissue,  It will become a daily reminder of something small becoming something so much bigger.

I learned a lot through this process but the moral of the story is more than just "don't pick anything....EVER". I think a lot of things in life start small, we either mess with them, try to control them, or lets things get out of hand and they become larger than life, and affect more that just where it started. In Proverbs 4 we are told, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This verse is a lot more powerful now, how a tiny sin, a small opening of your heart to something dangerous, could take over your life. This may sound a little dramatic, but I have the scar tissue to prove it. We need to protect our hearts, we need to protect ourselves and we need to understand that the "little" things, never stay little.

I think we all have scars on our hearts. We have given our hearts to someone who didn't care for it, to something that doesn't produce fruit, or maybe love has been lost, or trust has been broken. Whatever the origin of the scar, we are left broken, with broken hearts, with unmet expectations, with feelings of failure. All that remains is a reminder of what we went through, how we healed, and where we may or may not have come from. We are left with scars, scar tissue...forever leaving a mark.

I am thankful that my life has been pretty good. I was raised by two amazing parents, who although divorced, were always supportive...together, not separate. I haven't gone through anything really traumatic or had to do deal with depression or anxiety. I have had my heart breaks though. I have allowed people into my heart who made their home there and then thrashed it, who opened up every window and every door and then left, leaving me open for all to see. I have struggled, and continue to struggle with things that are a day to day battle, constantly allowing my heart to be graffitied with lies. I have my scars and as a result I have built walls, tried to cover them up, and avoid anyone from seeing them, or even knowing they are there.

I am lucky though. I have a God who now lives in my heart and who takes very good care of it, even when I try to rent it out to other people/things. He loves me, he loves my scars, my brokenness, he loves my heart. Along with the universe, he created my heart, and is constantly filling it with His love, His desires, and His passions. His heart breaks when mine does, when an intruder comes in and hurts me. His heart breaks when I fill my own heart with things, thoughts and ideas that are not good for me. His heart breaks when I ignore His presence, and act like He is not there. Oh how He loves me, how He loves us. Like a parent or a doctor, He shakes his head at us when we come to him, broken hearts, open wounds, saying " I told you so, but I still love you, come to me and find rest, walk with me and I will heal you". He knows what is best for us but often we are too busy to hear Him warning us, trying to keep us from what is going to hurt us.

There is so much freedom when we allow God to fully occupy our hearts, but it takes a letting go. Letting go of the lies, letting go of control, letting go of ownership. I have my scars, my scar tissue, but they weren't for nothing. God wastes nothing, He will use anything an everything for His glory. I have this wound on my heart that is continually reopened, and although my human flesh just keeps putting a band aid over it, God is preparing to close it up once and for all. I just need to make the move, seek and give forgiveness, and then my heart will be ready to be healed. I will be left with a scar, but the scar will always remind me of how through the Lord I can be fully, holistically, 100% healed.

Hearts break. Scars exist. God heals. This may have seemed like a really intense post to have come from an incident that started with a small pimple. The thing is though, everything in life should point back to God and as I stated before God wastes nothing. This whole ordeal made me think about and view beauty differently, made me understand healing and scaring better and made me understand how big "small" things can get. Above all, I was able to think about it in a way that taught and confirmed who God is and what he wants for us.

Challenge: Don't be afraid to bare your scars, or to let go to allow God to heal you. Use every part of your story to glorify God, even if you think it is small.


- Mary Joy