Scar Tissue

It started as something small. Nothing I haven't seen before. It started to grow and soon it was bigger than I imagined it could be. There was pressure, there was discomfort, my vision began to be affected. I had to go through several steps before I began the healing process, and now all that remains 

is a scar and scar tissue.

Regardless of my last name, I am a very healthy person. I can count on one hand every time I have had to see a doctor in all of my 22 years. I never have to miss school because I am sick and I recently spent 6 months in Africa escaping sickness. You can say I am a little proud, but health is important, and God gave me this body to take care of ( although sometimes I feel like I am failing it).

A few weeks ago I got a pimple near my eyebrow, a harmless pimple that I of course messed with. It became infected and my eye began to swell. Long story short, I ended up in the ER getting a CT scan, and finally feeling the release through drainage. My eye went through a series of changes until finally, my eyes were the same size again.

Bottom right - top left. Wed- Sat Progression.  Sat still not 100% healed.

All that remains from that whole ordeal is a crazy experience, a lesson, and some scar tissue. My eyebrow line is not back to normal. It is now graced with the presence of scar tissue,  It will become a daily reminder of something small becoming something so much bigger.

I learned a lot through this process but the moral of the story is more than just "don't pick anything....EVER". I think a lot of things in life start small, we either mess with them, try to control them, or lets things get out of hand and they become larger than life, and affect more that just where it started. In Proverbs 4 we are told, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This verse is a lot more powerful now, how a tiny sin, a small opening of your heart to something dangerous, could take over your life. This may sound a little dramatic, but I have the scar tissue to prove it. We need to protect our hearts, we need to protect ourselves and we need to understand that the "little" things, never stay little.

I think we all have scars on our hearts. We have given our hearts to someone who didn't care for it, to something that doesn't produce fruit, or maybe love has been lost, or trust has been broken. Whatever the origin of the scar, we are left broken, with broken hearts, with unmet expectations, with feelings of failure. All that remains is a reminder of what we went through, how we healed, and where we may or may not have come from. We are left with scars, scar tissue...forever leaving a mark.

I am thankful that my life has been pretty good. I was raised by two amazing parents, who although divorced, were always supportive...together, not separate. I haven't gone through anything really traumatic or had to do deal with depression or anxiety. I have had my heart breaks though. I have allowed people into my heart who made their home there and then thrashed it, who opened up every window and every door and then left, leaving me open for all to see. I have struggled, and continue to struggle with things that are a day to day battle, constantly allowing my heart to be graffitied with lies. I have my scars and as a result I have built walls, tried to cover them up, and avoid anyone from seeing them, or even knowing they are there.

I am lucky though. I have a God who now lives in my heart and who takes very good care of it, even when I try to rent it out to other people/things. He loves me, he loves my scars, my brokenness, he loves my heart. Along with the universe, he created my heart, and is constantly filling it with His love, His desires, and His passions. His heart breaks when mine does, when an intruder comes in and hurts me. His heart breaks when I fill my own heart with things, thoughts and ideas that are not good for me. His heart breaks when I ignore His presence, and act like He is not there. Oh how He loves me, how He loves us. Like a parent or a doctor, He shakes his head at us when we come to him, broken hearts, open wounds, saying " I told you so, but I still love you, come to me and find rest, walk with me and I will heal you". He knows what is best for us but often we are too busy to hear Him warning us, trying to keep us from what is going to hurt us.

There is so much freedom when we allow God to fully occupy our hearts, but it takes a letting go. Letting go of the lies, letting go of control, letting go of ownership. I have my scars, my scar tissue, but they weren't for nothing. God wastes nothing, He will use anything an everything for His glory. I have this wound on my heart that is continually reopened, and although my human flesh just keeps putting a band aid over it, God is preparing to close it up once and for all. I just need to make the move, seek and give forgiveness, and then my heart will be ready to be healed. I will be left with a scar, but the scar will always remind me of how through the Lord I can be fully, holistically, 100% healed.

Hearts break. Scars exist. God heals. This may have seemed like a really intense post to have come from an incident that started with a small pimple. The thing is though, everything in life should point back to God and as I stated before God wastes nothing. This whole ordeal made me think about and view beauty differently, made me understand healing and scaring better and made me understand how big "small" things can get. Above all, I was able to think about it in a way that taught and confirmed who God is and what he wants for us.

Challenge: Don't be afraid to bare your scars, or to let go to allow God to heal you. Use every part of your story to glorify God, even if you think it is small.


- Mary Joy 

The end has finally come...

I think I am going to nickname this semester, the bad attitude semester. I recently read my last two posts and I was left feeling convicted and frustrated. To this day, not much has changed. A few weeks ago my International Development professor asked if I liked his class. He was just asking generally but I took it as, "do you even like my class, becuase you sure don't act like it." The guilt that formed in the pit of my stomach led me to explaining the struggle I was having with being back from Uganda. My professor really just wanted me to speak up more, said that with my experience from Uganda I would have more to say. This is probably the class I care most about, but up until that point I just sat there, fighting to not fall asleep, and desperately trying to make connections.

That conversation changed my perspective...slightly. I began speaking up, and in return I felt passion, something that was so lacking from my time at school. That one conversation made me feel guilty for every class, for every professor I may be taking for granted. I began doing assignments on things I was passionate about, and it turns out I really started to enjoy school. I continued to get good grades and felt like I was contributing to my classes, but I cannot deny that the bad attitude was still there. 

I have been back for so long now, can I really still be using that as an excuse? These bad attitudes have really just become bad habits, but I cannot deny all that I have been going through: transitions, life changes, realizations and what ever else this little heart of mine has been dealing with. 

I have tons of excuses, but all I really want is to feel like myself again. I am always tired, and hardly sleep becuase everything takes me 10 times longer. I don't workout regularly, (besides my 3+ miles walking around campus) and really just don't have the motivation to push myself. I haven't enjoyed this Mary and I have kept her locked up most nights to not infect anyone. I have tried to hide, so I can sulk, and simply just avoid talking about anything (mainly becuase I would stress out if it took too long). So many things have gotten pushed to the back burner and I am sick of it. I can't wait to feel like me again and to figure out how to make everything work, how to manage my time again, and how to really prioritize. 

 My problem is me. I can't make it work, I can't solve my problems, but here I am...again...trying to be the god of my life. I am frustrated with myself becuase I am back in this place, a place I finally thought I was out of. I am back to carrying this heavy load, not bringing it to God and not bringing it to my community. Another thing...at the begining of the semester I was so excited to meet so many people, and be more involved on campus. That excitement died quick when my friendliness was not being recripricated. I began just coming to class and not bothering to talk to anyone, becuase I knew that they wouldn't care. Of course school was worse becuase I was pretty much just going, hiding out in the library, and then leaving. I began to feel convicted. How was I loving people to Jesus if I wasn't even talking to them? It is hard though, at this point in the semester, to try to make up for lost time and suddenly want to invest. 

I have done the best that I can and I cant be too hard on myself. This semester was hard and exhausting, but I have learned alot, and have turned some things around... 

I wrote that last section a week before school ended. Here I am a few days out, and I feel completely different. I feel like me again, I feel light and I feel like I can finally do what my heart has been desiring to do. I realized that, that was the hardest part. My heart was always in the right place, I was just too weak to ignore the nagging of the stress. I allowed myself to be lost and my heart to be failed. This was a horrible semester, but regardless, I pulled through I persevered and I finished strong. I wish the story had a different ending, or maybe a different beginning or maybe I just wish I had a whole new story, but I can't change how this semester went, I can only grow from it. Yes I pulled through, yes I persevered but did I do it in a way that glorified God? No, I don't think so. I relied to much on myself, I allowed myself to sit on the throne where God rightfully belongs. If I had let God take control, if I had let God relieve my burden, if I had let God stay the king of my life, there is no doubt about it my semester would have been different. I learned a valuable lesson this semester, and I learned it the hard way.

It is so easy, so easy, to want to have control, to think that you are alone in this, that you have to take on everything or you are a failure. But these are all lies, all things that want to take me away from my proper place, in the warmth of Gods arms. I never want to lose myself again, I never want to be that drowned in my "stuff," in my stress and in my worldly agenda. I want to risk. I want to live a life that demands explanation and not adhere to the expectations of this world. That last part is easier said than done. I have been doing it all my life, and I do it often.

 It is not just adhering but it is justifying the part that doesn't meet expectations.  I get questions like "what year are you in school?" "when are you graduating?" and instead of giving a straight answer it is always followed with "well I took a semester off and live in Africa," "I took off a semester to do an internship," "I took a semester at Chapman," "I have a minor," "I am taking a language," blah blah blah. I feel like I have to make excuses for my life not being on track. So what if I was supposed to graduate in 2012? So what if I have a year and a half left? I am sick of having to justify myself, when I know that I have followed Gods calling. This ones good too "where are you living?" and instead of just a straight answer it is always followed with, "well I just worked for free in Africa," "my parents don't live here," and "I have lived on my own since I was 17"...blah blah blah. The blessing that I have by living where I am needs no justification. God loves me so he has blessed me with not only a second family who loves me and teaches me about Christ't love day in and day out, but he has blessed me with an opportunity to be free from the burden of finances.

If you know me at all you know how I am with my money, I won't buy anything new (unless it helps someone else) even if every single article of clothing I own has holes in it. I hardly go out to eat and I just hardly spend money. I don't have a huge bank account to show for my stinginess, I just don't like to spend money (there are many reasons for this but that is a whole other post in itself). This blessing, of where I am living, has kept me from being controlled by my finances, from being consumed by numbers in a bank account meeting up with numbers on a budget. These things that don't match up to some worldly standards shouldn't need justification, but all too often I find myself justifying.

These posts so far are not super encouraging and are not super pretty. Surprise, I am human, and I make mistakes...a lot of them, and I don't have it together, and I struggle with a lot of things. But hey, I have come a long way, this blog alone shows that. I am being open, I am putting myself out there, I am talking about my emotions and hurdles. Not all days are skipping and bubbles (even though that sounds awesome), many days are opposite of that, but regardless of what my day looks like I have confidence, faith and hope in a God that knows what every second of every single person's life looks like. I really have nothing to worry about, but I do, and I am sorry. Every day I have to re sacrifice myself, re empty myself so there can be more of Him and less of me, and every day I have to fight against all the lies and all the expectations the world throws at me. This life wasn't made to be easy, but I will have a joy in me in any and all situations. I shouldn't be living this life for me, so what is the risk? what do I have to lose?

Challenge: Risk daily. Love intentionally. Surrender purposely.


- Bear 

Uninhibited Love

Uninhibited: 

Open. Unrestrained. Free from traditional social or moral constraints.

Someone recently told me they could picture me in Uganda. Surrounded by kids, the people, and all that goes with them. They pictured kids, dirty from their day to day life and lack of proper hygiene, embracing me, and me simply loving them, dirt and all. They said that I loved with out inhibition that it was just like breathing. 

When I think of my life in Uganda, although it was uncomfortable at times it was easy, and being there felt right and loving people was uninhibited. When I look at my life here in the US do I still love people with that same kind of love? That is a good question, and I would love to be able to answer that question with a resounding yes but if I did I don’t think I would be being completely honest. 

Since I have been back I have been through a lot of different stages. Times where I felt overwhelmed by all the people and all the “stuff”, times where I felt trapped in a place that doesn’t feel right, times where the choices people made, made me upset and frustrated and times where I simply just didn’t know how to feel. I find myself judging people and having love, not be my first reaction to them. I can admit this and admit that I am wrong. I can confidently say with out a doubt that God loves these people just as much as the people in Uganda, that they are his children and that he madly adores them. Of course I am not just walking around pointing my finger at people, that I do have countless days where I look at people and my heart is filled with joy, because I know that God created them, but there are those days where loving people is not easy.

I am absolutely guilty of taking my feelings out on people and I apologize for that. When I am tired I am sometimes controlled by my tiredness, when I am overwhelmed, I am sometimes controlled by things that overwhelm me . It is a constant prayer of mine to not be controlled by my feelings, and to fully put my trust, faith and self into the hands of God. In a world that is constantly telling you that dependence is a weakness I find myself struggling to give it all to God, thinking that I have what it takes to overcome this challenge or struggle on my own. I am completely wrong. I cannot do anything out of my own strength and apart from God, but regardless, I try....and I fail. 

The way God loves me is unfathomable. He loves me unconditionally, with out hesitation, with out reservation. He loves. He is love. And he loves you. This is an ugly side of me, but I am not trying to cover it up and pretend I am perfect and have it all together, because I absolutely don’t.  But you know what is so refreshing? That God sees all this, every single ugly bone, thought and action yet he still loves me, and looks on my with eyes of a father. I am his and although he wants me to live better, live lighter and live more in love, he doesn’t love me any less. 

I constantly am in need of God, I need to depend on him daily. There are times where I feel crazy and overwhelmed, where I just want to push everything aside to tackle my todo list. When I do that God smiles at me adoringly and says “Mary stop. Breath. Come to me and rest. Let me carry your burdens. Let me fill you up with Joy. Let me be your God”. Time with God is the most important time, yet it is so easy to put it aside. I was recently asked what my life would look like if Jesus was walking right beside me. Wow. My life would probably look so different. I would be in constant communication with Him, thanking him for all the way he blesses me daily, I would be more bold to introduce people to him and I would love people without inhibitions. 

That is how I want to live. I want to walk around and have people see Jesus, to speak with people and have people hear love and to love people how they are made to be loved. I want to stop walking around and questioning peoples actions, and assuming that they are a certain type of person, but look at them like I should look at myself, a sinner in need of an all powerful, all loving, and truly majestic God. I need to be praying for those people, that God will meet them where they are at, in their brokeness, and that they will receive his love and choose to follow him. I am broken. I am a sinner. I desperately need God. Nothing about my life is perfect, but I know a place that is, and I might as well go through this mess with Joy until I get there. 

As I said in my last post, I don’t love my here and now. But I know that God has me here for a reason and I just need to wait to see what that reason is. I have been recently convicted by the way I have been living, in a selfish bubble, not doing my best in my work or dying to myself so God can live. My work is not for man but for God. My life is not for me but for God’s use. How can I grow and be used if I am constantly complaining and wasting time? Even though that this is how I feel I have felt that way long enough. I am not in Uganda. I am not. And although my heart is there and I want to be there, God wants me here, so therefore my heart is here. 

Let me love with an uninhibited love. Let the world see God through that love, and let the world be changed. This is my prayer and this is my challenge. 

- MJS

Re-Entry

It has been over three months since  I came back from Uganda.

I thought I had made it.

I thought I gotten through the re-entry phase, and passed with flying colors.

Boy was I wrong. I must have just been in this denial, in this fog of everything but real life. All that I thought I skipped past, all the raw emotions, all the confusion all the discontentment, I am feeling that now.

I keep finding myself with this burning and uncomfortable feeling in my chest. All I want to do is cry it out, or yell it out, or doing anything to get it out. But nothing. It is just there, constantly reminding me of its presence and the fact that I have no idea what it means.

I guess when I said I had grown up a lot since I left for Uganda, that was an understatement. I feel like these past three months have been months of refinement, of growth and serious change. I look at who I am now compared to who I was three months ago and I don't even recognize myself. Who is this girl that is constantly overwhelmed by emotions? who is communicating how she is feeling and what she is going through? who is letting people into her life and into her heart? If it isn't obvious, I have been walking through quite a bit of unfamiliar territory. To be 100% honest I have no idea how to handle it all. I feel like a crazy person.

I cry.

Me..

Like, all. the.time.

I feel like all the feelings and emotions I have suppressed are coming to the surface and completely tearing down the walls I enjoyed blocking them with. God is ruing me with his Love, and the lessons I am learning don't even begin to scratch the surface of what He has planned for me.

Here I am. Here...a place I don't think I want to be in. But my here is where I am and I need to learn to find joy in it. I try to pretend I have a good attitude about everything but deep down nothing has changed. I still don't want to be in school, I still feel overwhelmed and I still don't understand. I was told that I am allowed to feel these things, that it is okay, and it is better to express them to pretend they are not there.

I am finding myself paralyzed by these feelings. I am so overwhelmed I end up just not doing anything or avoiding everything until the very last minuet.  I look at everything like a waste of time. School is a waste of time because I am simply just passing classes and not learning anything. I feel like work is a waste of time because I am just working for money. Both of these things are a waste of time because they keep me from doing what I want to do, working for what I want to be working for. I feel tired, all the time. Tired of trying to make all of this work, tired of trying to be positive and just simply, physically tired. I go to school all day then come home and do school work, or I do the work I love and neglect school work. There is no light at the end of the tunnel close enough to being me a sense of relief.

I sound horrible, and I know it. But this is me being honest, this is me being raw. I am discontent in my here and now and that needs to change. As much as I think I can change it I know I can't do anything, that God is the one that will bring me out of this. Lord, I need you, I need you to get me out of this funk, I need to see your purpose in my here and now, I need to find joy in where you have placed me, I need to trust that your plan is greater.

So this is re-entry...

This.

Sucks.

I know that this is a season, a really dry season, and I know that like all seasons, they change, and a new one will come.

I thought I had passed through this, little did I know it was all just about to start.

- MJS